I hate change. I hate the inconvenience, the mess, and the unpredictability. Change makes me feel unsafe. It makes me feel uncertain. And for my whole life, the stability and security I felt was because there wasn’t any change in my life. As long as things stayed the same, I felt good. But when I stopped taking birth control in 2021, shit got REALLY REAL, really fast.

The Unraveling

I had been taking birth control since I was 14, so when I stopped taking it I suddenly didn’t know myself. I was also deep into my self-love journey, and had started to change my boudoir photography business to be focused on self-love for my clients.

Then even MORE changed: I outgrew my home studio and had to upgrade to a big studio. And while things were growing and flourishing, I no longer knew myself or my emotions. I had always been an empath, but I had also spent a lot of years in my late teens teaching myself to turn off my emotions. (Because I was taught that feeling means WEAK). All of a sudden, I could not turn off the empathy, the compassion, and the collective emotions that were going on.

I was feeling deeper than ever before, and experiencing highs and lows I never experienced before. On top of all of that, I was gaining weight and my libido was lacking. I no longer had a libido 100% of the time, which was a huge source of pleasure for me that was completely stripped away.

Seeing My Body as Part of Nature’s Cycles

The loss of control over my emotions and my life was terrifying. But I knew I had to find a way to deal with all of this and bring peace to change. I had to find security amidst the cycles that I was going through. The only other option was to keep spiraling, and I knew better than to accept that as my reality.

So I researched hormonal cycles, and I remember I had this HUGE moment of realization when I read about how we have our own spring, summer, fall, and winter.

Spring (Follicular phase) A time of renewal and energy.
Summer (Ovulation) Vibrancy, connection, and peak expression.
Fall (Luteal phase) Slowing down, introspection, preparation.
Winter (Menstrual phase) Rest, release, and deep listening.

I had always loved the earth and looked to nature for comfort, inspiration and connection with Source, but I never truly saw the wisdom in the changing seasons and the phases of the moon until I was knocked off my feet and had to rebuild my security and sense of self.

The Earth feels safe and secure; yet it’s a place that’s a constant source of change.

I feel safe and secure in my body; a place that’s a constant source of change.

Accepting Change Instead of Resisting It

When I learned to trust my cycles, just like the earth, and just like the moon; I finally felt safe. Sometimes it’s easy to forget, but every time I’m in this spiral of hating change (because it still comes up), I remember the seasons and changes here on Earth. I realized that I don’t have to lose myself in the transformations and changes that happen in my life—because I’m simply evolving.

Yes change can still be scary, but now that I’ve learned to trust the rhythms of my body, of nature, and of the universe;  I can embrace change as a part of this beautiful, messy life.